NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of
the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt.
hon.
Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up
"vocabulary".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is
not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were
not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "sh*t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
__________________________________________________
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